Get past “How are you?”
Responsible leaders look out for their teams, beyond what is obviously necessary. We know that investing in our people’s well-being is good for business, but more than that, we know it’s the right way to lead.
That’s why we spend time on training days, team-building workshops and mentoring programs. It’s why we spend money on nice offices, afterwork drinks and company health insurance plans.
In the current climate (sorry for the cliché), we have the power and the responsibility to look out for our teams even more than usual.
Most employees find it difficult to initiate tough conversations with their employers or supervisors, no matter how welcoming and understanding those leaders are. Good leaders have their doors open so that employees can come in to talk about how their personal life is affecting their work or how they’re struggling with a particular assignment - but often that isn’t enough. Great leaders will initiate the conversations, because that itself is a huge barrier.
We ask people how they are all the time. But because it’s so routine, it’s generally assumed to be a pleasantry, not an actual question.
Just think how many ways we have to ask the same question:
“How are you?”
“What’s up?”
“What’s news?”
“How’s it going”
“How are you doing?”
“How are things”
And how many answers we have, which all mean the same, but are so often a lie…
Alright
Yeah okay, you?
Not too bad, yourself?
The usual
Nothing much
Same old
I’m not suggesting that each time someone asks how we are, we should jump into a full, detailed breakdown of the troubles we’re faced with. That would become far too intense, too quickly.
There is a certain value to the “How are you?” question as just a pleasantry - but that’s an entirely separate discussion.
As a leader, it’s your responsibility to find out what the real answer is. Don’t start giving advice yet - that’s another trap to avoid, as Michael Bungay Stanier explains in this TEDx talk, but do support your employees and those you lead by pushing them to open up if they need to.
There are two steps leaders must take to ensure the wellbeing of their team. The first is creating the space. The second is initiating the conversation.
Create a Space for your Team to Talk
This space is both physical and conceptual. You’re not always going to be able to go and check in on each and every employee. You may be out of the office, you may be busy, your team may be spread over different floors in the building. You’re not always going to be able to pick up the signs and initiate the action yourself.
Therefore, you must ensure that (A) your team members can initiate the conversation themselves and (B) they know they can and feel they can.
What does that mean?
Your team need to have access to you. They need to see you or have your contact details. There needs to be a channel of communication, for them to communicate.
If someone asks you to talk, you need to straight away assign your full and unreserved attention to them. No dismissal, no putting it off, no asking them how urgent it is. You need to be there, listening, when they come talking.
Remind your team you’re there for them
This is the step we do best. It’s just saying every so often or adding into group emails, “I’m here to talk if you need anything”. Or to use the cliche, “my door is always open”.
Set drop-in office hours
Your team will naturally (and perhaps appropriately) be concerned about disturbing you whilst you’re busy. Having a set weekly time that people can come to you reduces this barrier.
If you can’t set the same fixed hours every week, you can still set aside a time once a week or fortnight and communicate this. You could put up a sign up in the office or write in the corner of the whiteboard. You could add it to the shared calendar if you use the Microsoft Suite, post it on a team Slack channel or add it to your email signature.
Which ever way you choose, dedicating a time is an important part of creating the space.
What about when I am busy?
It’s inevitable - there are sometimes situations in which we are just too busy and someone drops in on us. That’s okay. If you really are busy at that point in time, you need to convey the following messages:
I am preoccupied by something else right now, but that doesn’t mean I am too busy for you
You are as important to me and I’m not putting you on the backburner - it’s just not the right time
I want to have the conversation with you, whatever it may be, I’m not trying to get out of it
Here’s how you get those messages across.
Say what you’re busy with. Rather than, “I can’t talk right now”, say, “I have investors coming for a meeting in 5 minutes and need to prepare”.
Lead the reschedule. Either suggest a time or ask them to send you a calendar invite to block out 15 minutes. Whatever you do, don’t just say “not now” or “some other time” - be specific.
Remind them they matter. Justify the fact that you need to see them a different time by telling them you want to give them your full attention - which you can’t at the moment - and you don’t want to be distracted or time pressured whilst talking. You’re rescheduling because they deserve 100% of your focus.
When you do talk with them, focus on them
What I just wrote above about giving them your full focus has to be true. Put your Slack on Do Not Disturb, put your laptop to sleep for a second and don’t check your mobile. If your team is your #1 priority, act like it. You wouldn’t interrupt your manager to check trivial messages on your phone, don’t do it to those you manage.
Be an active listener - i.e. shut up for a second. Don’t just fake it - nodding along with some sounds of encouragement whilst your mind wanders - but take in what they’re saying and make notes. When they’re done, ask “what else?” “why is that?” and other open questions that encourage them to talk.
Only after you’ve allowed them to give you a full picture, take the next step - summarise what you’ve understood to make sure you’re on the same page and lay out your course of action. This still forms part of creating the space to talk, because your team needs to know that there’s value in talking to you - that you can and will actually do something.
Initiate the Conversation
Creating the space so that your team can initiate is important. But no matter how effective and safe the space you’ve created is, you still need to initiate.
Whilst you might be ready and willing to listen to them; whilst you might think you’re approachable, you’re still the boss. You’re still this big, scary, busy figure in the eyes of your team. They may view you as too important for them to be worth your time. They may be concerned you’ll judge them or that they’re failing you and they have to deal with the issues on their own.
Therefore, you need to initiate the conversation. You need to be the one to start talking and asking the questions. You need to push and coax your team into overcoming the mental obstacles they have.
It’s not enough to say “I created the space, they could have come to me”. Your responsibility is to go to them.
I was once giving feedback - let’s call it constructive criticism - to someone on my team for their performance that week. It wasn’t technical performance - there had been some issues in communication and attitude, the team member knew better and should have done better, so I told them so.
Towards the end of the conversation, they shifted slightly, opened their mouth to speak and took half a breath, but then stopped. I could tell that there was something they wanted to say - though I had no idea what. I realised that in this case, the team member felt uncomfortable sharing something that they wanted to.
So I pushed. “You were about to say something… go on”.
“No, it was nothing, don’t worry”.
Now HERE is the turning point. I almost said, “Okay, if you’re sure. Anyway, have a good weekend and I’ll see you Monday, ready for a better week”. After all, they had said it was nothing. It would have been a fair answer on my part.
Instead, I said, “no tell me, I can see something is bothering you”. Don’t ask me why, but I had a feeling the right thing to do was to push a little bit further. “It’s okay, I want to hear”.
What followed wasn’t really related to our previous conversation - it was far bigger and far more important. It blew up into a company-wide case and affected the department for months.
If I hadn’t pushed as hard as I did, we would never have known any of it.
You, as a leader, need to be on the lookout for signs and whether or not you find any, you need to initiate conversations with your team.
The way to initiate the conversations isn’t too different from creating the space - but instead of just ensuring you have a time slot for anyone to drop in, schedule catch-ups with individual team members. Pop by someone else’s desk each day and say hi. For the moment, whilst we’re all working from home, spend one afternoon every couple of weeks just calling round your team for a chat. Most of those calls will be a couple of minutes - but one or two may be more than that.
Good leaders tend to have had good leaders in the past. Be like the leaders you loved; the ones who inspired you; the ones who helped you grow.
